Sometimes You Just Have to Say F**k It

Hey!! I hope that your day is going well!


So... Started my morning a little weird. I work as a temp in a satellite office. Our pay gets done via fax. Long story short, the lady who does the pay is an idiot. But, I'm not going to let her stupidity get to me today. F**k it!!!


I haven't heard from the HR Director at the company I thought I really wanted to work for. I emailed him again two days ago and haven't gotten a reply, though he was supposed to email me last week... F**k it!!!




So I'm going to focus on the good stuff today. Life is far too short to worry.




I love the Pandora station Imagine Dragons. They are one of my favorite bands and the station based on them just makes me happy!




I love writing and I narrowed in on several prospects yesterday and will be working on those today!




I did my own taxes yesterday for FREE on TurboTax!!!! I normally go somewhere and pay for it. Why?! Why did I ever do that???? FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!




I still have a temp job so I have some sort of income for the next who-knows-how-long, so income in the meantime!




I am generally healthy, happy, doing something I love during the day (write and listen to music) and will be doing something I love this evening (hanging out with friends while learning choreography to Cell Block Tango). So life is decent right now.




I'm also playing chess through Facebook Messenger. CHESS. It's awesome. I'm sorry I ever doubted you Facebook Messenger.


So wherever you are, whatever you're doing. Something is good. It's really hard to see the good sometimes. But find it. Cling to it. Focus on it. You'd be surprised how that changes everything...

Try and Fail - A Job Searchers Story

Epic title, I know.


It is hard though, when you get right down to it, to find a job in the career that you want with people you think you would like working with to the level of professionalism that you have come to expect and think that you deserve, while adding in a dash of "they're actually using me for something useful and my work life will make a difference to someone somewhere" and still feeling like they're utilizing your abilities while actually LIKING what it is that you were hired to do.


So let's just say that I'm having a slight grapple with the whole job search thing.


"What is it that you want to do?"


I get asked that a lot. The short answer? Move far away, travel, film things.


But the right answer for my needs right now? Be able to afford life. By any means necessary. That's not to say that I won't be very happy where I end up working and be one of the best employees you've ever had. On the contrary. I love to be utilized. I love DOING something everyday. I like helping other people. I always have. A major people-pleaser is what you would have on hand if you hired me.


"What are your skills? What experience do you have?"


You name it, I can probably relate to it. My father is slightly the same way without the people skills to go along with it. I'm a very quick learner. I know a lot of people say that, and it's a bit of a cliché at this point and I wish people would stop saying it because it makes the rest of us look bad. Example? I'll just lay this last week out for you:


Yesterday - Crocheted a scarf (no, didn't knit, but I can. taught myself. also taught myself to whittle. I LOVE to learn new things. I'm a bit of an autodidact). Didn't like it so pulled all the yarn back out and will probably redo it today.
2 days ago - Cleared out the DVR a bit and managed the heck out of some Sims. It was Sunday, what do you expect?
3 days ago - Took metal siding off an old house. Had never done that before in my life. But showed up, asked, "hey, does this need to come down?" then found a ladder and a crowbar and went at it. I'm not afraid of heights per se (it's the falling that freaks me out) or of getting my hands dirty. Though I now hate metal siding and fiberglass insulation.
ALSO, went to a callback audition for Chicago. We did a lot of things that I probably shouldn't type about it polite internet company. Suffice it to say that my legs are now more sore and that I've never seen or done so much sexy dancing without alcohol involved in my entire life.
4 days ago - Made giant packets of information with no supervision or training in about 20 minutes because the main office asked me to. I'm not one to argue and can figure out how to copy a packet. So I did it.
ALSO, went to an audition for Chicago. I'm normally the Stage Manager, so this was well outside my comfort zone. Ended up singing and dancing. I used to dance in high school... Let's just say I learned a few new things at that audition.
5 days ago - After talking with my mom a few days before about how her floor needed to be finished I go, "you know I could just finish it right?" She goes, "why don't you?" So that's what I did. I had helped my brother-in-law, once, lay wood laminate flooring and I figured that's what it was. It wasn't. They were huge laminate sheets of faux tile. Oh well. I got out the table saw (which I'd used once or twice before), tape measure, pencil, some sort of handy tool that does fine cutting (see? I don't even know what the tools are called but I can use them...) and got to work. I now have a love / hate relationship with rubber hammers.  


I'll stop there. You get my point though right? I can do anything you want me to do. I'll just figure out how to do it. I realize that there are specific "interview" questions you think you have to ask. Like, "give us a specific example from one of your previous jobs where you had a task that seemed difficult and you overcame it" or "give us a specific example of a time that you messed up and the steps you took to go about fixing it." I get what you're looking for. You want to know that the person you are interviewing is going to step up to challenges, take responsibility for possible mistakes and not cower in situations where they need to have a backbone and DO the job you hired them for.


But I gotta tell you. I hate these questions. No matter how hard I try I'm never ready for them. I'm more of an off the cuff interviewee, which is probably why I don't do as well as other people in interviews. I would rather have a conversation with you. Most people that meet me like me. It's a very bold thing to say, but as I said above, I'm a people pleaser. Which is just as well, because I tend to get a bit more abrasive as I get to know you (I'm working on that, but it is a flaw of mine). But I just want to tell you what I can do for you.


There's really no easy way to do that. The best resume in the world isn't a book of experience and personality and an all out list of what it is they're looking for. Because you don't know what it IS that they're looking for. Not really. The important thing to remember is that THEY DON'T EITHER. They just know that they need someone, yesterday, who will do exactly what it is that they need them to do (even if they don't have THAT specifically in focus) and will get along with everyone else they already have in place. There's absolutely no way for them to know if they've found it in an interview. They hope they have. They have big expectations and no way to know if they're going to be filled. It's hectic. I know because I've been on that side (bottomless pit of random experience here, yes, I've been a manager of people, more times than I can count, and no, I can't give you a specific example. Jeez, I hate those questions...).


Moral? Job searches suck. The waiting is hard, the worry is harder. I just had a very promising interview? Should I keep looking for a job or wait to see how this turns out? Keep looking. It's SO hard to do that. What if I get a job somewhere else and then the ONE calls and offers me something? What would I do then??? Pick the one that's best for you and apologize to the other. You have to do what's best for you.


It's hard. It's so hard to do it over and over. Fill out, wait, fill out, wait, interview, wait, fill out, wait, interview, fill out, wait. You get the idea.


But in the words of the Greek Goddess of victory, Nike, "Just do it."

Depressing. I suggest not reading...

Okay, so I really just needed to vent to someone and as I don't mind venting on here. There are a couple of steps to this so if you wanna go for a ride then... Here goes:

Let's start at my childhood. I've always been a loner. It's not something I did intentionally. I honestly just don't know how to get close to people. Personally. People seem to take confidence in my ability in being a friend. I know more secrets than a person probably should. But all of my friends, from the time I was a child all the way through high school, they haven't been permanent. It's a little unsettling knowing that people have friends they can't live without from grade school, middle school, high school... When I got to high school I lost all of my close friends. They all decided that being popular  was more important than lifelong bonds and knowing one another better than sisters.

But let's travel forward. I still don't know what I did wrong. Or what I'm doing wrong. I have a friend., lets call this person Moe. Moe knows how to talk to people. It annoys the hell out of them that Moe is so intrusive, but Moe knows people. Wouldn't be left out. Might be that they'd be afraid of what Moe might do if ignored. Then there's another friend. Lets call this one Boe. (Yes, I'm being intentionally vague.) They are nearly as intrusive with their questions, but actually care. There's a major difference there. I know there is. People don't mind when Boe asks questions, and people like to answer. They involve Boe in things. Because they like to.

Then there's me. I don't ask questions. I've never been intrusive. Ever. I grew up in a family of conflict, always "discussing" things with each other in "loud voices," but it was always an argument. I would never be involved. I would go to my room, or bury myself in a book. I absolutely love reading. But it always scared me away from confrontation. I loathe confrontation. So I don't ask questions. I don't. But people tell me things. I have ALWAYS been a great listener. I genuinely care about people. I truly do. Which is what makes it so hard for me knowing that I love my friends. Love them absolutely. But I don't know that they know how much they mean to me. How fragile my ego is.  I don't seem like a depressed person.

I endeavor at all times to be cheerful and funny. But that's not how I actually behave and I just realized that. At work I'm definitely the most cheerful, no matter where it's been. I'm like a happy little elf. But with my friends... One of my favorite quotes is, "I'm only mean to people when I care about them." It has worked really well with my college friends as most of them are guys (I think that my experience with petty girls has made me bitter of them, I was mostly raised by my father anyway...) But I'm starting to wonder if I should start to nag. Be the girly one for a change. Needy. Guys seem to like that endearing quality in a girl. It's not who I am, not what I really want to be. But I'm feeling that if I act like myself then I don't get the friends I need. The guy I want.

The problem is... I AM girly. I AM needy. I just don't like to lay my faults out like that because I don't want to make someone guilty or feel bad for me. I don't want to be patronized... But sometimes I really do. Which is why I'm writing this. It doesn't matter if no one ever reads it. I don't care. That fact that I'm laying myself out is fulfilling. Even if nothing ever comes from it.

So now for the fun part, the catalyst of this entire post. I'll set the scene for you:  It's been a long 8 hour day at work. I work at a factory at the moment and I'm damn good at it. Not your normal kind of factory where there's an assembly line and whatever. This is a printing company. It's a dying breed (pun intended) and the place, honestly, is very unorganized and I'm not sure how much longer its gonna last. I studied organizational communication in college and this place has its fair share of issues that easily could have been studied in our class.  But anyway. I work alone most of the time and have a lot of time to do nothing but think about nothing...

So when I got off work I was looking forward to a post that had been written on Facebook during the day pertaining to our group of friends having an awesome time this weekend because one of us just finished grad school. I knew my roommate may be gone due to prior plans, but they weren't supposed to take long. So I go home while it starts to, yet again, snow. I hate snow. But tonight has potential, so I'm good. I get back, drink a beer. Wait. Check my phone waiting on a text from anyone. Drink a beer. Watch the tv shows I've been neglecting. Drink a beer. Text my roommate and my friend who finished school. Wait. Watch more shows. Eat ramen noodles. Drink more. Finally get a text back. From the friend. Apparently I was supposed to be invited to the dinner that they were all sharing. To add again, I ate ramen. I was to be drinking with them, I drank alone. They were all drunk already. The friend apologized. Told me to get myself ready! They were going to be leaving after the current runs was finished and I would be told where to go and I was to join them!

At this point I'm already slightly depressed because I knew something was happening with all of them me that I was not privy to it because they weren't answering. But it's one thing to suspect and completely another to have your worst fears (spawned from a lifetime of insecurity) being confirmed. Oh, then the roommate answers. Oh, yea, they're all out. The friend is wasted already. Haha. I'll be told where they're going so I can join since they'll be leaving soon. Okay. I can handle that.

So I try to get myself in a good mood. Since I know that they've already neglected me. Honestly. Most of the friends I hve in this entire city were fall in the same place. People I speak to on a normal basis. Did they just not notice I'm not there? Or my worst suspicion is that they didn't want me to be. I told you I'm insecure. But I put on my makeup. Jeans, nice shirt. Nice bra. Yes, I went as putting on nice undergarments. It makes me feel better and I needed a mood improvement.

So I wait. I discuss knitting with my roommates mom. Always thrilling. Watch more shows. At this point I've watched all of the shows I wanted to and am now watching shows I know nothing about. (If you want to keep count, I'm up to six shows now. Now I'm watching Zombieland. Incidentally, that's a movie I'll watch over and over. I just like it.)

But at 10, if you're keeping up that's two hours after they said they were about to leave and would be texting me soon, I just give up and wrote them that I had given up and wished them the best. I got a text back now too much later from the roommate saying sorry, apparently this friend was aiding a depressed father as they mad their way down the strip of bars that they weren't supposed to be at according to both their predictions of their next location and that "we keep moving down the strip but haven't stopped at one place."

At this point I cry to myself, "bullshit!!!" Okay, they are the types of people to help a person in need. That's not the part I'm having the trouble believing. It's the fact that they're supposedly helping this guy while NOT staying in one place very long and one other major point...

This strip of bars is NOT THAT LONG!! It's been two hours!!!! And there is NO way, in the state I believe my grad friend was in, that she would have stood for be hopping those particular bars no not settling for at least one long enough for any one of the six of them that I know well and definitely have my number to text me and say, "hey, the plan has changed and we're bar hopping down this strip  so come join us cause we're gonna be here a while." Like I said, the strip isn't that long. I could have found them in a matter of minutes. But no, I never did hear back from the grad friend. I'm assuming neglect of the phone due to the booze.

So now my insecurities are at an all time high. The father at the bar who's depressed? I don't think my roommate and my other friends realize that they're creating a depression so close to home. I guess they'll find out soon enough.

So now I'm going to drink more and watch Zombieland. Watching people blow the crap out of some zombies might help keep my mind off me. Monday at work with my head to myself should be a thrill though.

Just remember the most important rule in Zombieland: Double tap!!!!!

Errant Thoughts

Just going to catch myself up on all the things that I've wanted to remember and inform others at the same time! ~ An aside after the writing, this is turning into more of a movie review, so well worth the read, and a little update on my recent holiday. I'll catch up the rest later :)

To start, I hope that all of you had an amazing holiday and that the New Years celebrations will be greatly anticipated, celebrated, and (not) remembered! I had a pretty interesting Christmas holiday back home. I know that my family is a bit nuts, so that threw a wrench into all the happy fun plans (which only included one and a half bouts of mother getting upset and hanging up on us and crying... which was good for her). But all things considered it was a good holiday. I do always like to spend more time with my sister and Jared, not living at home makes me have to "spread out my time" so that everyone gets a share. Not that I like that plan, but apparently it's needed. I understand that people love to see me (and that the statement I just made is very conceited) but still, she's probably my favorite person in the world and shouldn't I have a say?

But that being said, I did get everything I asked for (and more) for gifts and hope that I returned that favor while going further than expectations... Yes, I gifted some Cutco (it's awesome and I work there, so back off, it's amazing stuff...) and some other fun goodies. I ended up getting a really nice watch and a sweet pair of headphones (thanks mom!), a Smith & Wesson .38 special that used to be my grandfathers (thanks dad!), and some puzzles that I'm very excited to start working on (thanks Tate and Jare!) along with some money (thanks gpa!) as well as other trinkets and goodies that I shall enjoy. Some lovely pairs of shoes (both confy and dress thanks to mom) that accompanied a very entertaining trip to Show Carnival that shall be remembered for a while due to the munchkin (which was me) walking around. I'm glad there weren't a lot of people in our section and those that were near probably stayed away because we were laughing so hard. My car also got a little detailing/check up from dad which is always a good thing and now my speakers should work all the time and my car got a bath just in time for the snow storm... 

Which brings me to what I've been up to other than just getting fun stuff over the holiday. I suppose I could start around November. There wasn't much other than a few highlights that were pretty awesome. We'll start with that fact that I've been seeing movies in the theatres a lot more which I never used to do but now that there have been some out worth seeing it's been a lot of fun. Skyfall was A-maz-ing... I saw it twice it was so good. It was paled only by the fact that I'm a huge Twilight fan (the books are amazing and if you haven't read them then you can't argue) and that last movie, Breaking Dawn: Part 2, had the craziest ending... seriously really well done. I'm warning you now that there are spoilers ahead so if you haven't seen it and want to skip to the next paragraph. You've been duly warned. I only have one problem with what they did in that ending, but it isn't even really a problem because I'm glad they ignored it or the ending they did wouldn't have worked at all. The problem was that Alice can't see the wolves. She can't see Renesmee either. That's the whole reason that they split into two groups in the last huge fight against the new vampires and it was even explained then, she can't see them so she wouldn't be able to see their fight so they split up (which also gave them all an advantage because the newbies didn't know of the wolves in the first place so they could surprise attack). But the reasons that I was totally taken in were 1) I figured they'd add in a fight, the ending of the books was disappointing to me even as I read them, I just think she couldn't figure out how to write a huge fight scene and just ended it rather peaceably to end it 2) Alice can't see the wolves, so I didn't think it could be a vision or we wouldn't see the entire thing (as they were running all over the place) not to mention being able to see Jacob and Renesmee fighting further away or seeing them helping the vampires, any of it 3) It would be so like a director to chuck the ending of a book, and with her okay, killing off most of the main cast... 4) pigeons (that was an inside joke) 5) It was so sudden, so how it probably would have progressed, so absolutely shocking that I didn't have time to really think anything other than, "this can't be happening," that I just absorbed it as the new ending. I was completely taken in. The first viewing that they normally do of films to judge audience reactions and to tweak final releases must have had them laughing and rolling on the floor if they got what, literally, our entire theatre did. The same thing I did. I stared. Shocked. Eyes wide open, mouth in a small silent scream, heart pounding, breathing shallow... Tatam later told me that I looked like I was in absolute shock, she the same, the people around us mirroring our horrified expressions. No one had time to think, like I said, that this shouldn't/couldn't be happening and wouldn't have been surprised, like I said, if the director had thrown the rules out the window. The funniest part of it all was that when it flashed back to Alice standing there, everyone alive, her still "showing" Aro, the funniest part was the huge and loudly audible sound of breath being exhaled by every person (including me) in the theatre in a whoosh and the nervous excited laughter that escaped from most every lip in the room. The rush of relief that I felt in that moment was one that I've only felt maybe one or two other times in my entire life. It was the happiest I'd been in weeks. That's really sad, but I just hadn't had any moments of pure joy in that time and it was euphoric. I felt the aftereffects of that shock and relief for a couple hours. We still talk in nervous tones and giggles for another day. Now I will tell you that it wasn't as exciting for those of you who haven't read the books. I have a couple of friends who have just watched the movies with us and weren't nearly as invested in the lesser characters like Jasper and the wolves who are as highlighted in the films but actually are a huge influence in the books. So maybe not quite as depressing and certainly not as shocking as knowing that none of that was actually supposed to take place. But still a great movie for you just the same. But my oh my, just writing about it got my heart going. Deep breath. Annndddd... 

Another awesome movie would be Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Great movie. A tiny bit slow at the beginning, but halfway through, which is a good hour in so be prepared to wait, it really picks up. But I love the way they ties in his reality with the vampire world. Also, The Hobbit. Part 1. Super long but, as always, stunning. Absolutely stunning. They do such great work. Really. I haven't read it yet because I didn't want my expectations to not be reached, but with the way they're doing it (and I have no idea how they're splitting one kinda small book into three parts) it looks like they're doing a very thorough job of putting you INTO the book. I guess I'll need to find someone who has read it or just read it myself to do a real comparison. But an awesome movie. From what I saw of it, MIB3 is also great. I saw the last 20 minutes, and the plot was pretty easy to pick out in that time, but Will Smith is funny as always and I love the way he and Tommy Lee Jones work together, and the new guy, haven't actually looked his name up yet but the younger Tommy, did a really great job of impersonating a younger more carefree Agent K. (K right?) 

But now I've gotta skooch. Going to get my nails done :)

Have a great New Years!

This is lovely...

The Quiet World

 by Jeffrey McDaniel

In an effort to get people to look

into each other's eyes more,

and also to appease the mutes,

the government has decided

to allot each person exactly on hundred

and sixty-seven works, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear

without saying hello. In the restaurant

I point at chicken noodles soup.

I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at might, I call my long distance lover,

proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.

I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond,

I know she's used up all her words,

so I slowly whisper I love you

thirty-two and a third times.

After that, we just sit on the line

and listen to each other breathe.

Ronery...

Today is one of those days where I just want to talk about my feelings so if you don't want to read any further than this (and quite frankly I don't think I have any readers [probably a self esteem issue to go along with my mopeyness] and if you are reading this than hooray!) then I won't have any hard feelings about it.

About the title, I'm pretty sure it is in some kind of animated movie and sung over and over as a lovely little tune but it's kinda how I feel so I thought I'd make it fun. I'm one of those weird moods where it seems like no one in the world cares. I know it's absurd and if you are reading then don't feel the need to console me because I know the truth. But knowing it and feeling it at the moment are completely different things. Which is why this is going no where near facebook and hardly anyone on there knows this exists. Jumping to conclusions is the ultimate end of anything that's posted there...

But I just realized that everything I've done today hasn't gotten a response from the intended target. Like texts. The only person I've actually conversed with today is my boss, unless you count the 30 second convo about how stupid rental apt offices can be. Other than that I've had dozens of meaningless convos with people I'm trying to offer jobs to today, most of the people don't answer their phones, which I don't understand... If you apply for a job don't you answer the phone? And if you do, are you rude to the friendly person on the other end trying to help you out? And isn't there the common courtesy that if you don't intend to go to an interview you call and let the people know so they don't wait on you? All things that have made me lose faith in the nicety of people over the past few months. Probably adding to the sadness. But still. It'll be nice to go "home" soon so that I may have some human contact. If they're home. Maybe tennis? If it's not freezing. Yesterday was gorgeous...

But I guess I'll go now. I've vented. Now on to positive thoughts... These grapes are awesome...

idk...

I'm at a loss as to what to do right now. I know what I should be doing, looking for a job. But I've got quite a few saved and am waiting, hoping, that the people I sent my resume to shall edit and not be as fed up with it as I am. Kila, very congrats to her btw, got a job up north. She'll start on my birthday, which is soon. I, however, have no job prospects at the moment. I have my current job, which sucks and pays very little, but that won't last me long. I need my "big girl job" as Tatam likes to call it. Until then I don't have a cell phone, because I lost mine. Good job Tiff. I also can't move, which I want more than a phone. I can't really pay my loans, a whole pay check goes to them. I also am basically supported by my dad, which shouldn't be happening. He's going through enough debt issues right now without having me as a burden. With a new job that doesn't pay what he wanted, and everything else he has to deal with. At least now he doesn't have my cell phone as an expense and I'm determined not to let that happen again... I know now that I'll owe dad for a very long time for everything he's done for me. He knows it but wouldn't ever say that, but I know it and I'll make it up to him at some point... If only I can get my own life in order so I can help him out too. Ugh...