Okay, so I really just needed to vent to someone and as I don't mind venting on here. There are a couple of steps to this so if you wanna go for a ride then... Here goes:
Let's start at my childhood. I've always been a loner. It's not something I did intentionally. I honestly just don't know how to get close to people. Personally. People seem to take confidence in my ability in being a friend. I know more secrets than a person probably should. But all of my friends, from the time I was a child all the way through high school, they haven't been permanent. It's a little unsettling knowing that people have friends they can't live without from grade school, middle school, high school... When I got to high school I lost all of my close friends. They all decided that being popular was more important than lifelong bonds and knowing one another better than sisters.
But let's travel forward. I still don't know what I did wrong. Or what I'm doing wrong. I have a friend., lets call this person Moe. Moe knows how to talk to people. It annoys the hell out of them that Moe is so intrusive, but Moe knows people. Wouldn't be left out. Might be that they'd be afraid of what Moe might do if ignored. Then there's another friend. Lets call this one Boe. (Yes, I'm being intentionally vague.) They are nearly as intrusive with their questions, but actually care. There's a major difference there. I know there is. People don't mind when Boe asks questions, and people like to answer. They involve Boe in things. Because they like to.
Then there's me. I don't ask questions. I've never been intrusive. Ever. I grew up in a family of conflict, always "discussing" things with each other in "loud voices," but it was always an argument. I would never be involved. I would go to my room, or bury myself in a book. I absolutely love reading. But it always scared me away from confrontation. I loathe confrontation. So I don't ask questions. I don't. But people tell me things. I have ALWAYS been a great listener. I genuinely care about people. I truly do. Which is what makes it so hard for me knowing that I love my friends. Love them absolutely. But I don't know that they know how much they mean to me. How fragile my ego is. I don't seem like a depressed person.
I endeavor at all times to be cheerful and funny. But that's not how I actually behave and I just realized that. At work I'm definitely the most cheerful, no matter where it's been. I'm like a happy little elf. But with my friends... One of my favorite quotes is, "I'm only mean to people when I care about them." It has worked really well with my college friends as most of them are guys (I think that my experience with petty girls has made me bitter of them, I was mostly raised by my father anyway...) But I'm starting to wonder if I should start to nag. Be the girly one for a change. Needy. Guys seem to like that endearing quality in a girl. It's not who I am, not what I really want to be. But I'm feeling that if I act like myself then I don't get the friends I need. The guy I want.
The problem is... I AM girly. I AM needy. I just don't like to lay my faults out like that because I don't want to make someone guilty or feel bad for me. I don't want to be patronized... But sometimes I really do. Which is why I'm writing this. It doesn't matter if no one ever reads it. I don't care. That fact that I'm laying myself out is fulfilling. Even if nothing ever comes from it.
So now for the fun part, the catalyst of this entire post. I'll set the scene for you: It's been a long 8 hour day at work. I work at a factory at the moment and I'm damn good at it. Not your normal kind of factory where there's an assembly line and whatever. This is a printing company. It's a dying breed (pun intended) and the place, honestly, is very unorganized and I'm not sure how much longer its gonna last. I studied organizational communication in college and this place has its fair share of issues that easily could have been studied in our class. But anyway. I work alone most of the time and have a lot of time to do nothing but think about nothing...
So when I got off work I was looking forward to a post that had been written on Facebook during the day pertaining to our group of friends having an awesome time this weekend because one of us just finished grad school. I knew my roommate may be gone due to prior plans, but they weren't supposed to take long. So I go home while it starts to, yet again, snow. I hate snow. But tonight has potential, so I'm good. I get back, drink a beer. Wait. Check my phone waiting on a text from anyone. Drink a beer. Watch the tv shows I've been neglecting. Drink a beer. Text my roommate and my friend who finished school. Wait. Watch more shows. Eat ramen noodles. Drink more. Finally get a text back. From the friend. Apparently I was supposed to be invited to the dinner that they were all sharing. To add again, I ate ramen. I was to be drinking with them, I drank alone. They were all drunk already. The friend apologized. Told me to get myself ready! They were going to be leaving after the current runs was finished and I would be told where to go and I was to join them!
At this point I'm already slightly depressed because I knew something was happening with all of them me that I was not privy to it because they weren't answering. But it's one thing to suspect and completely another to have your worst fears (spawned from a lifetime of insecurity) being confirmed. Oh, then the roommate answers. Oh, yea, they're all out. The friend is wasted already. Haha. I'll be told where they're going so I can join since they'll be leaving soon. Okay. I can handle that.
So I try to get myself in a good mood. Since I know that they've already neglected me. Honestly. Most of the friends I hve in this entire city were fall in the same place. People I speak to on a normal basis. Did they just not notice I'm not there? Or my worst suspicion is that they didn't want me to be. I told you I'm insecure. But I put on my makeup. Jeans, nice shirt. Nice bra. Yes, I went as putting on nice undergarments. It makes me feel better and I needed a mood improvement.
So I wait. I discuss knitting with my roommates mom. Always thrilling. Watch more shows. At this point I've watched all of the shows I wanted to and am now watching shows I know nothing about. (If you want to keep count, I'm up to six shows now. Now I'm watching Zombieland. Incidentally, that's a movie I'll watch over and over. I just like it.)
But at 10, if you're keeping up that's two hours after they said they were about to leave and would be texting me soon, I just give up and wrote them that I had given up and wished them the best. I got a text back now too much later from the roommate saying sorry, apparently this friend was aiding a depressed father as they mad their way down the strip of bars that they weren't supposed to be at according to both their predictions of their next location and that "we keep moving down the strip but haven't stopped at one place."
At this point I cry to myself, "bullshit!!!" Okay, they are the types of people to help a person in need. That's not the part I'm having the trouble believing. It's the fact that they're supposedly helping this guy while NOT staying in one place very long and one other major point...
This strip of bars is NOT THAT LONG!! It's been two hours!!!! And there is NO way, in the state I believe my grad friend was in, that she would have stood for be hopping those particular bars no not settling for at least one long enough for any one of the six of them that I know well and definitely have my number to text me and say, "hey, the plan has changed and we're bar hopping down this strip so come join us cause we're gonna be here a while." Like I said, the strip isn't that long. I could have found them in a matter of minutes. But no, I never did hear back from the grad friend. I'm assuming neglect of the phone due to the booze.
So now my insecurities are at an all time high. The father at the bar who's depressed? I don't think my roommate and my other friends realize that they're creating a depression so close to home. I guess they'll find out soon enough.
So now I'm going to drink more and watch Zombieland. Watching people blow the crap out of some zombies might help keep my mind off me. Monday at work with my head to myself should be a thrill though.
Just remember the most important rule in Zombieland: Double tap!!!!!
